Tag Archives: Hallmark Holiday

Night 5 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler”

APOCRYPHA NOW!

Reporter Judah (Adam Sandler) has eight nights to complete a think-piece for his online news outlet about how Jews should embrace and participate in innocuous Christmas traditions such as stringing lights, decorating trees, and going to church a little bit.

For research, he visits his father, the heavy-handedly named Mattiyahu (a hologram of Marlon Brando), an observant Jew who retired in Sugar Plum, the town voted #1 in Christmas spirit. Over a mournful violin solo, Mattiyahu monologizes about the ancestors who fought for Judah’s right to celebrate a minor holiday where he gets eight presents. Or maybe one big one. Depends.

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Night 4 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MENSCH

Rabbi Gold (Adam Sandler) travels to visit his children at Hanukkah. As he checks into his hotel, he is shocked to learn that his childhood rival, Rabbi Levy (Steve Buschemi), is also staying at that hotel, visiting his children for Hanukkah.

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NIGHT 3 If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler

MENORAHTY REPORT

America’s War on Christmas ended thanks to an elite team of “Precog” officers led by John Cohen (Adam Sandler). He relies on the Wisemen triplets (Kevin James, David Spade, and John Turturro) who can predict future heinous Crimes Against Christmas.

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