Category Archives: Under 750

RESOLUTIONS 2022

“First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” Epictetus

I hereby publicly state my 2022 resolutions before the tide of rants decrying resolutions as the folly of a made-up Hallmark Holiday. Such scoffing harshes my Seasonal Affective Disorder buzz.

1. Become Instagram Influencer. Make sure “Instagram Influencer” is not a euphemism for “orgy hostess.” (see: awkward Tupperware Party 2013)

Continue reading RESOLUTIONS 2022

Night 8 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler”

MY DINNER WITH ROB SCHNEIDER

During Christmas Eve dinner at a Chinese restaurant, old friends Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider (playing themselves) engage in philosophical and occasionally self-loathing discussion of such topics as: the sacred and secular merits of a potential exegetical analysis of Deuce Bigalow’s Biblical themes, Bernie Sander’s theoretical yarmulke collection, and how they could have a lovely time with their kosher chicken and their electric blankets.

Continue reading Night 8 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler”

Night 7 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies

MANISCHEWITZ BY THE SEA

After his mother (Julie Kavner) passes away from a terrible yet unnamed illness, cynical photographer Bill Hoffman (Adam Sandler) agrees to her unlikely deathbed request: travel to all the places she lived and get someone in each town to make and sell her traditional Jewish food.

Continue reading Night 7 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies