Clippy’s Opening Statement from January 6 Committee Hearings

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Mr. Chairman, Members of the Committee, thank you for having me here.

Some background: I am the proud son of a Swingline stapler and an All-American prong fastener. After I graduated from the Ohio State University, I interned in the supply closet at McKinsey & Company. In 1997, I found my calling at Microsoft where I became the official Office Assistant.

It is in that capacity that I testify because I am witness to the PowerPoint received by Mark Meadows and turned over to this committee. A PowerPoint that lays out, in batshit crazy and terribly designed ways, how to stage a coup.

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Night 4 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler.

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NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MENSCH

Rabbi Gold (Adam Sandler) travels to visit his children at Hanukkah. As he checks into his hotel, he is shocked to learn that his childhood rival, Rabbi Levy (Steve Buschemi), is also staying at that hotel, visiting his children for Hanukkah.

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NIGHT 3 If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler

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MENORAHTY REPORT

America’s War on Christmas ended thanks to an elite team of “Precog” officers led by John Cohen (Adam Sandler). He relies on the Wisemen triplets (Kevin James, David Spade, and John Turturro) who can predict future heinous Crimes Against Christmas.

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