Category Archives: Humor

Twice Submerged

The first time the basement flooded, the twins were babies and sleeping unpredictably. The second time the basement flooded, the twins were toddlers and doing everything unpredictably. The first flood felt like a natural disaster; the second, a betrayal.

Before the first flood, the basement was mine, a chamber crowded with paused ambitions and ghost versions of myself. Then came the water, the local infrastructure unable to keep its promise. The basement transformed into a mausoleum of academic endeavors, professional files, suspended projects, mementos of a me I barely remembered — proof of a time before my job title was “Mama.”

Movers sent by the utility company kept a reverential silence as they engaged in a liturgical removal of my ruined things, including a waterlogged notebook filled with the minutiae of early parenting — eating, diapers, naps — entered and never referenced again. They lowered their eyes as I peeled the boys’ first ultrasound image from the ruins of a sodden cardboard box.

There was shame in the mess and the loss, in the casual way I’d let things slip. I’d intended to archive everything, a task perpetually deferred. Sleep-deprived months had messed with my memory, threatening to make me my own unreliable narrator. I needed to cache my life. But I was tired, and the basement’s separation from the daily hubbub allowed me to postpone the task.

The first flood washed away the luxury of later.

New carpet, new drywall, a serious dehumidifier, and the basement soon once again housed all my somedays and speculations. Scribbles, fleeting notes, seedlings of ideas jotted down and shelved for when the twin-induced chaos settled.

Then a frozen pipe burst, unleashing a second deluge vindictive in timing and intensity. Water pooled in the ceiling and came out through the light fixtures onto my notebooks and shelves.

This time, there was no help. I faced the wreckage alone, sorting and tossing debris. With every wet, heavy shift of weight, the floor let out a slow, desperate squelch, causing the boys to giggle uncontrollably.

The twins, now toddlers and agents of chaos in their own right, tried to help. I’m sure I made a “two-by-two” joke to my husband as we lugged things and monitored the boys. They swept through the first floor in their own tide of arms and legs and wild purpose.

We relocated my work-and-dream space to something far from the basement, smack-dab in the middle of the rough-and-tumble of daily life. I have since been constantly accessible, perpetually distracted, and witness to all goings-on.

But at least it’s a dry chaos.

Flat Stanley Tomatoes and Optimal Speedo Coverage — August 2024

August, once a month of idle heat, is now a hot press.

This, all of this, used to be contained within early September, but September bursts backwards now and here. Now August is a month of asynchronicity, denial, and frenzy, trying to be all things in the moment and in preparation. In that way, it is motherhood, it is a career, there’s never enough, we’re doing it wrong, something always gives as the calendar never ceases demanding and trying to suffocate not just with heat but with anticipation.

I no longer irritatingly wax nostalgic about starting school the Tuesday after Labor Day. They don’t need to hear that when it’s 96 degrees when I pick them up after the first day and the twins’ August birthday is lost in the whirlwind of first days of school and its adjustments and expectations.

I don’t tell them about pouring over the back-to-school issue of Seventeen with its plaid skirts and matching heathered sweater and knee socks if you were into that preppy thing.

And in 2024, I fought hard to go with it. Be in the moment and be utterly prepared for the deluge of emails that ask in some sort of wide-eyed incredulity “Can you BELIEVE it’s back to school? Can you BELIEVE we’re almost, nearly, sort of at the beginning of the end of August?”

Can you BELIEVE life is grabbing you by the shoulders and spinning you like it’s your turn at Pin-the-Tail on the Donkey? And yes, you’re blindfolded. And yes, you’re probably also the donkey?

Yes. I can. And still, I am astonished.

Which is why:

  • We went for more celebratory scoops of ice cream than I can say without shame to mark sweet (sometimes gleeful) goodbyes and tentative hellos.
  • I picked up knitting again, unsure if it’s to mark days, to leave a little something behind, or just enjoy irregular and occasionally ill-fitting accessories. Still, the repetition allows for bursts of creative energy and a renewed supply of cuss words, both well-established and original. (Thanks, Accidental Creative).
A knitted hat on a table.
  • I’m excited to be writing reviews on Reedsy, and why I’ve been waiting for the kids to go back to school to begin.
  • Opportunities have to present themselves before I realize I want them.
  • My husband and I became experts on things like “over-rotation” and “shotput form” and “optimal coverage levels for Speedos” from our very comfortable couch while we watched the Olympics.
  • My family played too many games of poker and laughed to tears when one child played several hands without even looking at his cards. And won.
  • We bent the rules of Scrabble a bit, leading the never-to-be-topped, entirely gonzo playing of “oabunwad.”
  • I’ve let go (almost) of the stress of packing for vacation, releasing the need to compensate for the time both boys, much younger, forgot to pack pants. Or the year I left the swim bag at home, the one with the suits they’d actually remembered to pack.
  • This was the Year of the Traveling Tomato, so labeled because we’d purchased a tomato, a perfect specimen, before our annual end-of-summer trip. We didn’t eat it, so we brought it along, where it sat, untouched, only to be brought home again — sort of juicy, red, hard-to-mail Flat Stanley that didn’t go anywhere. Which makes it nothing like Flat Stanley, I suppose.
  • I will always keep the playlists we make every year for this same trip, although I may quietly remove my husband’s choice of a rousing version of “I’m A Little Teapot.”
  • When, on the beach, my son, taller than me, called out to me in his deep voice, “Mom! Watch me throw!” as he played frisbee with his father, I lived every parenting moment ever in that second. Past, present, future.
  • My heart struggled to find rhythm again when they went back to school, just as three months earlier my brain struggled to find a rhythm when they finished school. No fear, though, because we got a call from the school nurse about 0.3 seconds after school started.
  • I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed.
  • There will be no counting of how many summers like this remain. Here, things will always be counted in empty ice cream cups.

Here are some splashes of marvelous from August, 2024

Great commercial or greatest commercial of all time? 

This was recommended by a few writers/bloggers/essayists in recent weeks. For good reason.

A powerful essay on losing friendships

No more cicadas.

It doesn’t take much to say everything

How was this only days ago

Like most subscribers, I am a little (so very much) behind in my New Yorker reading. I just got around to the July 21 edition. This story is unbelievably good.

And finally, look, Spotify surprises me every once in a while and this popped up and now every morning I’m “ba ba ba BA ba BA babababa!” and I can no longer just look out a window and think my thoughts: 

What delights popped up for you this month?

10 Books That Clearly Need to Be Written

Someone get on it

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