Stop the Steal! Norway is Coming for America’s Olympic Medals

Patriot, this may be the MOST IMPORTANT and SHOCKING email we ever send you.

Norway is going to try to steal the 2022 Winter Olympics by winning more medals than our athletes.

Donate to STOP THE OLYMPIC STEAL

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RESOLUTIONS 2022

“First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” Epictetus

I hereby publicly state my 2022 resolutions before the tide of rants decrying resolutions as the folly of a made-up Hallmark Holiday. Such scoffing harshes my Seasonal Affective Disorder buzz.

1. Become Instagram Influencer. Make sure “Instagram Influencer” is not a euphemism for “orgy hostess.” (see: awkward Tupperware Party 2013)

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Night 8 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler”

MY DINNER WITH ROB SCHNEIDER

During Christmas Eve dinner at a Chinese restaurant, old friends Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider (playing themselves) engage in philosophical and occasionally self-loathing discussion of such topics as: the sacred and secular merits of a potential exegetical analysis of Deuce Bigalow’s Biblical themes, Bernie Sander’s theoretical yarmulke collection, and how they could have a lovely time with their kosher chicken and their electric blankets.

Continue reading Night 8 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler”