Night 6 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler

EAT PRAY LOVE EAT.

Newly divorced, angsty accountant Zach Segal (Adam Sandler) embarks on a journey around his mother’s house. He soon discovers the true pleasure of nourishment prepared by a mother (June Squibb) who’s been “holding in a lot about your ex-wife, the shiksa,” praying he can find a new rent-controlled apartment, finding love with the beautiful Jewish widow next door (Salma Hayak), then eating again because his girlfriend didn’t know he already ate. It’s fine. No, really, it’s fine.

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Night 5 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler”

APOCRYPHA NOW!

Reporter Judah (Adam Sandler) has eight nights to complete a think-piece for his online news outlet about how Jews should embrace and participate in innocuous Christmas traditions such as stringing lights, decorating trees, and going to church a little bit.

For research, he visits his father, the heavy-handedly named Mattiyahu (a hologram of Marlon Brando), an observant Jew who retired in Sugar Plum, the town voted #1 in Christmas spirit. Over a mournful violin solo, Mattiyahu monologizes about the ancestors who fought for Judah’s right to celebrate a minor holiday where he gets eight presents. Or maybe one big one. Depends.

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Clippy’s Opening Statement from January 6 Committee Hearings

Mr. Chairman, Members of the Committee, thank you for having me here.

Some background: I am the proud son of a Swingline stapler and an All-American prong fastener. After I graduated from the Ohio State University, I interned in the supply closet at McKinsey & Company. In 1997, I found my calling at Microsoft where I became the official Office Assistant.

It is in that capacity that I testify because I am witness to the PowerPoint received by Mark Meadows and turned over to this committee. A PowerPoint that lays out, in batshit crazy and terribly designed ways, how to stage a coup.

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