I hereby publicly state my 2024 resolutions before the tide of rants decrying resolutions as the folly of a made-up Hallmark Holiday.

1. Become Instagram Influencer. Make sure “Instagram Influencer” is not a euphemism for “orgy hostess.” (see: awkward Tupperware party 2013)

2. Make time to work out. Make time for myself.

3. Stop repeating myself.

4. Be more tolerant. Accept people even when they say “I’ll wait” after provoking an internet argument. Accept people for thinking flip-flops are acceptable everywhere feet are welcome. Accept the fact Miley Cyrus’s tongue takes up one of my brain cells.

5. Only say “That’s ok” when “that” is actually “ok.”

6. Manage stress. Stop reading comments on internet articles, in Facebook threads, and left under my windshield in the Target parking lot.

7. Scoff at the notion I have but 24 hours a day. Manipulate the fourth dimension. Host a podcast “Spacetime and Other Fabulous Unifications,” during which offer up confession that I only manipulate time to jump the line at the community pool’s concession stand so I can order a jumbo bratwurst.

8. Stop blathering.

9. Make time to work out. Make time for myself.

10. Stop giving in to the urge to write lists with round numbers of entries.

All that’s left is the doing. Happy New Year!