Category Archives: Creative non-fiction

Public Libraries, Rhubarb, and Volatile Organic Compounds (P.U.) — June 2024 Month in Review

Creative non-fiction, Humor, Knitting, Life and Other Existential Problems, Month in Review, Parenting, Poetry, Reading, Recommendations, Things that smell, , , ,

Starting is arguably the hardest part of anything, especially writing, where the beginning has to hook and promise and reveal enough ankle. Sometimes the Muppets might even show up.

I was going to start this Month in Review talking about how the cicadas are mercifully almost gone. (Just in time, too, because one flew into my face and then I had to consider taking a flamethrowing to my own puss.) Then I was going to wax not-exactly-poetic about the stench of them rotting by the trillions. If you want more information, check this out. However, if you want to avoid yet another closeup photo of the critters, the big take-away is “As microbes break down and digest the cicada carcasses, ammonia and volatile organic compounds are released…Ammonia has a strong odor, as do some VOCs containing nitrogen and phosphorus — which the bodies of periodical cicadas are rich in.” 

There were a lot of places in that quote where I wanted to set fire to my face again.

The whole cicadapocalypse/decomposition was going to be some sort of averagely-expressed metaphor about June.

But it just made me want to open a window, and that’s tricky these days. 

Since I was clearly on an off-gassing thematic thread, I considered opening with commentary about politics and world affairs. Each try degenerated into either something like a subtweet or a pitch for some sort of Toxic Positivity MLM.

That ain’t me, kid.

Not that I don’t believe in ripping myself open and spilling all the blood/tea, but “think good thoughts” isn’t my brand. I’m not unrelievedly sweet nor optimistic. I’m hilarious and cynical and misanthropic and ALSO a little optimistic. That’s hard to capture. 

(Also, I still write “80085” on my calculator and think it’s hilarious high art.)

(Also, I have a calculator.)

(Also, are we still using “subtweeting”? I’d ask my kids but they are still mad at me for randomly throwing “skibidi toilet” into some otherwise Quality Parenting Moments.™)

But yesterday on my social media, I wrote “I wish you all the wonderful communities of weirdos you need. If you lack one (or enough), I will enthusiastically be a charter member of yours.”

So that is also how I choose to start this wrap-up of June and the second half of the year. I will be here in a completely official capacity as part of your Weirdo Community. We don’t take a lot of selfies and there is always pastry.

Ooh, look: Weirdo! Muppet!

Here are some splashes of marvelous from June 2024

(i.e. things I enjoyed that you may also enjoy or possibly not if you are feeling contrarian and cross.)

  • For much of June, a percentage of my children were in poorly-timed camps and fun classes that made me do the precious calculation of “is it worth going home or should I stick around?” (My calculator is not used for such things, see above.) The quiet gift of this was spending time in the local public library of the town where they had these classes, and boy howdy was it fantastic. I love public libraries and all they stand for. Like most other libraries I’ve visited, I had the best, friendliest, fiercest, most welcoming people greeting me and who were very happy to tell me that in the winter they light the fireplace and people just hang out and read there. More adults need to rediscover our libraries beyond having meetings there. It brought back warm memories of Harper Library and the many happy semesters there rather than, you know, doing homework or going to class. Some things age well, like libraries. Some things do not age well, like cicada corpses.
  • We have started introducing a certain percentage of my children to Mel Brooks. Avoiding the whole non-argument about whether we could make something like Blazing Saddles nowadays, Happy June Birthday Mel Brooks! And can I just have a moment of appreciation for the glory that is Madeline Kahn?
  • I cleaned out my knitting nook. Unlike any knitter ever, I buy more supplies than I’ll use in a lifetime. It’s a bulwark against death, profound optimism, and maybe some self-delusion. I don’t knit that fast. I have the same problem with books. Maybe I can make a deal with someone in that department to keep me going until all the books are read and the wonky hats knit.
Why, no, I’m not a professional photographer OR a professional organizer. Why do you ask?

So I might not find the right way to start these months in review, but ending in cake is always the way. As Vincent said in the above link, my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum.

So, tell me about your favorite library. Or your favorite cake. Or your favorite weirdo community.

Spanx for the Memories and Absolutely No Other Puns but Maybe a Couple of References to Pie 

Creative non-fiction, Gratitude, Humor, Life and Other Existential Problems, Month in Review, Parenting, Recommendations, Writing

May 2024 Month in Review

Greetings, fellow snarklings.

Does “I was tired” count as a review? Probably not, but it does explain why my recommendations this month are as thin as a caffeine-free latte and mostly limited to “Get some sleep.”

Normally I feel a small weird panic if these reviews don’t magically appear* within 48 hours of the month ending. As if reflections have a cosmic expiration date. As though if they’re not served fresh, they’re compost. Four or five days into the month feels like the Ides of June (not these guys), which means it’s practically autumn, and wait, am I writing this from the future, circa 2027?

*as if I don’t have to write them

How we’ve conditioned ourselves to immediacy. Time is an unforgiving overlord. Here you go, Time, take the wheel. Knock yourself out.

This is all just to say that it feels like we’re functioning in the interstices May grudgingly doles out.

Let’s get into it, even if I’m a few days late. Maybe time is a poet, sweetening like a fine wine, sharpening like a cheddar, chunking up like old milk.

(Time may be a poet. I am not. Unless you want a poem about old milk.)

Anyway, here we are, tardy but with all the juicy details:

This time of year is a cocktail of achievement, exploration, wrapping up, recognition, and proving oneself. It’s a whirlwind of scope, sequence, pace, and sugar highs. When your whole family feels burned out by May 2nd, you know it’s going to be a long month. The world was like an angry blender — whirring and sharp and loud. AP tests, finals, placements, end-of-year celebrations, countdowns, more tests, competitions, nationals, baseball, track meets, concerts, performances, meetings, and good grief! It was a family endurance test, and my role was mostly snack duty and stress management.

Note: “You’ve got this” is less appreciated when accompanied by an inadvertent spray of half-chewed Ritz crackers.

This seems an appropriate time to give a hearty HALLOO and THANK YOU to all the adults in the kids’ lives who guided them to this particular finish line. You are excellent and I hope you can spend the next few months living in something other than 42-minute stretches.

Looking forward to a moment’s respite before the summer fully grabs us for a good do-si-do…oh wait, no. Just got an email with the subject line “Are We Doomed?” Better return my tray to the upright position.

Here are some splashes of marvelous from May 2024

(i.e. things I enjoyed that you may also enjoy or possibly not if you are feeling contrarian and cross.)

  • I got to be helpful this past year, a little bit, in places like my boys’ school and other community organizations. I can only hope my kind of help wasn’t the kind Shel Silverstein poked at, presented here from the Free to Be You and Me album for our first pie reference and also to meet our recommended daily requirement of Tommy Smothers:
  • I’m sneaking a family wedding into this month’s review, even though it technically happened in June (but the rehearsal dinner and travel were in May.) I visited Kansas City for the first time. Quite an excellent place. The rehearsal dinner was held in Union Station. Is there anything more filled with all the big human emotions, history, and excellent ceilings than a train station? I dare say, no? I DO DARE. The wedding itself was glorious, thoughtful, and beautiful. Maybe someday I’ll share more once the happy couple gets to tell their story first. (Guys, they sent us home with some of this barbecue sauce. IT’S AWESOME. I may or may not have been sticking my pinkie in there to get every last bit. Ok, I may have. I totally may have.)
  • Dr. Pepper Strawberries and Cream is turning me into a 12-year-old. That’s fine.
  • Shopped for the aforementioned wedding. Needed blue — not navy — heels. These shoes came up in the search. Alas, I did not get them, but I really want to get to know the person who does.

I already know the type who wears these:

(It’s me! Ask me about my neuroma!)

  • The best thing I can say about The Super Mario Bros. Movie is that it tapped into wellsprings of antipathy I didn’t realize I had. Except for Jack Black. I’m no monster.
  • Speaking of being behind, I’m watching Gilmore Girls which somehow escaped my attention the first go-around. Now I’m catching up and enjoying it along, apparently, with the rest of the world. Go Team Zeitgeist!
  • I need to accept that my husband does not take good photos of me. Maybe it’s the height difference, or maybe I operate under the mistaken belief that I do not look like a bridge troll. Or maybe I do in fact look like something out of Neil Gaiman’s nightmares, — in which case, excellent photography skills, honey. And if any of you jokesters are thinking of asking to see said photos, I SAY NAY.
  • Losing Alice Munro was a blow to writers and readers everywhere. Having her words still with us assuages the ache. Here’s an interview.
  • This is perfect and also a little flaky.
  • I leave you with this, someone who needs neither introduction nor Spanx. Probably. I can’t be sure.

Klappe zu, Affe tot, May. I’m off to look for some rhubarb to start on one of these: