Monthly Archives: December 2021

Night 5 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler”

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APOCRYPHA NOW!

Reporter Judah (Adam Sandler) has eight nights to complete a think-piece for his online news outlet about how Jews should embrace and participate in innocuous Christmas traditions such as stringing lights, decorating trees, and going to church a little bit.

For research, he visits his father, the heavy-handedly named Mattiyahu (a hologram of Marlon Brando), an observant Jew who retired in Sugar Plum, the town voted #1 in Christmas spirit. Over a mournful violin solo, Mattiyahu monologizes about the ancestors who fought for Judah’s right to celebrate a minor holiday where he gets eight presents. Or maybe one big one. Depends.

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Clippy’s Opening Statement from January 6 Committee Hearings

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Mr. Chairman, Members of the Committee, thank you for having me here.

Some background: I am the proud son of a Swingline stapler and an All-American prong fastener. After I graduated from the Ohio State University, I interned in the supply closet at McKinsey & Company. In 1997, I found my calling at Microsoft where I became the official Office Assistant.

It is in that capacity that I testify because I am witness to the PowerPoint received by Mark Meadows and turned over to this committee. A PowerPoint that lays out, in batshit crazy and terribly designed ways, how to stage a coup.

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Night 4 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler.

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NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MENSCH

Rabbi Gold (Adam Sandler) travels to visit his children at Hanukkah. As he checks into his hotel, he is shocked to learn that his childhood rival, Rabbi Levy (Steve Buschemi), is also staying at that hotel, visiting his children for Hanukkah.

Continue reading Night 4 of “If Hallmark Made Hanukkah Holiday Movies Starring Adam Sandler. →