How’s everyone doing tonight? It’s great to be here at The Chuckle Patch, D.C.’s second funniest place after Kevin McCarthy’s leadership training sessions.

I’m the Equal Rights Amendment. Maybe you’ve heard of me — I used to be splashed across magazine covers and the chests of empowered, braless women across the country. I was the life of both parties. I couldn’t walk down a congressional aisle without someone trying to ratify me, if you know what I mean.