An Answer to the Question “How Is Writing the Novel Going?”

ME: Good morning, Every Part Of My Brain. Welcome to what I think we can all agree is a much-needed gathering of the committee. I appreciate you and every contribution you’ve made. Last month’s failures are this month’s stepping stones, right?

(THE CRITIC snorts)

ME: You know what, let’s skip the ice breakers; we’re all intimately familiar with each other’s quirks.

(Cheers erupt.)

ME: How about some treats!

(The group goes wild, followed by ten minutes of enthusiastic snacking.)

ME: Let’s get this rolling. I called this meeting of, uh, me…us…you BRAIN PARTS. I thought instead of you all coming at me higgledy-piggledy –

MONKEY BRAIN: Higgledy-piggledy! Higgledy-piggledy!

ME: — and in a disruptive way, we could all air our thoughts in an orderly fashion and I can get back to work on the new book. We’re nine days in and you’re all very…loud.

DREAMER: What if our protagonist could see emotions as colors swirling around people? It could add a whole layer of depth and magic!

ME: Huh. Interesting, but that doesn’t really align with the the plot, genre, or characters we’re writing. But otherwise, very creative!

CRITIC: Magic colors? Are we writing a book or doing a kiddie craft project? We need substance, people! Proper substance!

ARCHIVIST: Speaking of proper, let’s ensure our details are accurate. We don’t want another incident like the Doctor Who situation.

(The group gasps.)

ME: All right, that’s a little unnecessary. We all remember the what happened when I had a piece published and it said “Dr. Who” instead of “Doctor Who.”

SELF-DOUBTER: Oh, no. Now I’m compelled to list every public failure we’ve ever had. Shall I go in alphabetical order, chronological, or in level of humiliation?

HYPE MAN: Whoa there, buddy! Let’s not dive into the doom pool today. (Ornately gestures for the meeting continue)

MARKETER: I just saw a great Insta about a dog diving into a pool. Adorable. Talk about a launch! Speaking of which, we need to start thinking about that, and about all the marketing. Platforming. Audience building. Make sure everything you post online and also everything you say in every conversation is geared towards sales, acquiring an agent, getting a book deal, and of course, your legacy. That includes the book’s first line. Maybe we should put the first line online and see what people think?

SELF-DOUBTER: Yeah, no. I don’t need data confirming if people hate my first line.

ME: We’re only on the first dra –

HYPE MAN: Dude, fear not! Every great book had its doubters. We’re going to rock this so hard, they’ll feel it on Mars. (Performs enthusiastic air guitar solo.)

DREAMER: Let’s write a story where children’s shadows whisper their secrets.

ARCHIVIST: That may have been done already. I’ll check. But, you should know that shadows were often seen as spiritual, a bridge to the unseen world.

HYPE MAN: That’s what I’m talking about! We’re gonna bridge worlds, baby!

ME: Love the energy, buddy, but maybe turn it down a notch.

HYPE MAN: You got it, Chief! Dialing it back to a solid eleven. (Jumps on table) We’re gonna grab this book by the horns and ride it to glory town! Who’s with me?

CRITIC: I’d settle for making it out of the driveway without backing over the mailbox.

SELF-DOUBTER: Are we really going for the haunted hipster vibe now? Is that our brand?

MARKETING: I’m glad someone is thinking about branding. Speaking of which, we should write a series of blog posts. Build some buzz.

WORRIER: Let’s not get carried away. We have a reputation to not utterly destroy.

CRITIC: She’s not wrong. For once.

MONKEY BRAIN: Palm Frond. Frond. What kind of word is that?

CRITIC: Look, I have to say, this talking to yourself thing is not as charming as you think.

DREAMER: I find myself quite charming thank you.

CRITIC: And shadows that talk? Let’s focus on something adults might actually read.

MARKETER: Excellent point. We need to think about our target audience. Who are we writing this for, and what will grab their attention?

ME: Thank you, everyone, great input.

DREAMER: What if laws were divined from armpit stains on white shirts? Could we write that?

ME: Let’s hold that thought — actually, let’s not.

CRITIC: Your writing is as appealing as a pit stain. And as common.

ARCHIVIST: I’d like to revisit some unresolved topics from the last brainstorm. For instance, the Victorian ghost we abandoned last month?

ME: I considered writing a ghost story for, like, a second.

MARKETER: With significant tweaking and rewriting everything you’ve done for six months, we could hit a niche market that’s currently underserved.

HYPE MAN: Boom! Who’s ready to rock those ghosts back to life? Legendary!

SELF-DOUBTER: More like legendarily bad. I mean ghosts? We’re digging that up out of deep storage.

MARKETER: Speaking of digging, we should consider digging into new markets. How about a vlog series?

ME: I have to write the book first.

WORRIER: But what if no one likes it? What if we’re just shouting into the void? What if — 

MONKEY BRAIN: 🎶Tea with jam and bread. Tea with jam and bread.🎶

ME: Worrier, maybe you and Self-Critic can go into a breakout session and work together?

WORRIER: Oh, GOD are you kicking me out of the group?

DREAMER: Imagine a character so vivid that readers think they can reach out and touch them. Oooh, maybe they can literally step out of the book?

CRITIC: Wow. That’s awful.

ARCHIVIST: You mentioned in your notes here that a famous burger chain uses 80/20 beef. You need to quadruple-check that.

ME: I’m really only powering through the first draft now. That’s more of a later draft kind of –

ARCHIVIST: Fact-checking is not optional.

MARKETER: Add a viral element to the story. And do a reel, especially since you stopped the daily updates on (pointedly) DAY FOUR of writing. But, like, get a haircut first.

ME: Let’s focus. I called this meeting to streamline our thoughts, not scatter them further.

SELF-DOUBTER: Can I just say something, please? What if this whole idea is too ambitious? Or too dumb? Or we’re too dumb? Have we forgotten how mean people are? Or, worse, how pitying they can be? What if we fail?

HYPE MAN: What if we don’t? Like, what if we blow everyone’s minds?

MARKETER: We need to maybe find some people to share this with… talk through the ideas, maybe give them the first chapter or two.

EVERYONE: NO!

DREAMER: Not yet, friend. Not yet.

CRITIC: As long as we’re talking failures, do you need to update that list of writing rejections?

(Everyone grows quiet )

HYPE MAN: Come on. COME ON. Remember who we are. All that? Just the pre-show. This time we’re headlining the main stage. Let’s make this draft so hot, it’ll burn holes in their eyeballs! Goo everywhere!

ME: Well. There you go. This book isn’t going to write itself. Let’s get back to work.

MONKEY BRAIN: BEES.