Category: Ink Spatterings

On Monsters — October 2024 Month In Review

Don’t stop me if you’ve heard this one before

In lieu of my regular month-in-review post, I’m resharing something I wrote in May of 2023. Monsters are on our minds these days. November shall be reviewed in my usual nonsense way.


In the heart of the Muppetverse, amidst a tapestry of vibrant characters and whimsical narratives, stands a beacon of childlike wonder and boundless optimism, a giant whose iconic blue exterior conceals a tale of profound transformation and existential introspection. Few in Hollywood have the talent and range to achieve a level of stardom where one name suffices:

Streep.

Pacino.

Grover.

And he’s cute, too.

We meet at a trendy bistro in Williamsburg, eager to delve into his illustrious career that spans from humble beginnings in local theater to soaring exploits as a beloved superhero. Grover’s polymath talents have propelled him into the ranks of America’s elite artists. However, the journey from his nurturing roots at PBS to the esteemed shores of HBO was far from effortless, strewn with challenges that made success anything but elementary.

As we settle in for an intimate conversation, I ask about the delicate balance between the broad humor of Sesame Street and his infamously meticulous approach to zaniness. Sipping his cucumber lime spritzer, Grover ponders the question. “It is always a quest to find the heart beneath the punchlines,“ Grover shares, an unexpected surge of static electricity passing between us when his hand brushes against mine. “Every joke I tell, every lamppost I fly into, I strive to capture a truth, a moment of connection that transcends the silliness and connects with the human condition.”

It is evident before we finish our burrata and heirloom tomato salads that, while Grover’s on-screen persona is a bundle of joy, his off-screen persona can be enigmatic. Grover’s career isn’t just a litany of roles; it’s a manifold reflection of his ability to become and play

I steer the conversation to Method Acting. “I believe in authenticity,” Grover says. “Whether I am donning the cape of Super Grover or showing viewers the exquisite agony of working as a waiter to a fussy customer, I strive to bring truth to every character. It is all about connecting with the audience, being loud and soft. Do you know the difference?” Before I answer, he cries. “LOUD!” It is transcendent, a performance matching the ethereal mastery of Tilda Swinton’s shape-shifting in “Orlando.”

Indeed, from taxi driver to flight attendant, Grover’s preparation is exhaustive. “I do the research,” he says, his head gently tilting from side to side — one of his charming idiosyncrasies. “I have driven the cab. I have worked in restaurants, and I have sold ears door-to-door. If I want the audience to believe it, I have to live it.” Grover believes that his career isn’t just a list of roles; it’s a chronicle of his metamorphoses.

But this transformational zeal, while laudable, is the stuff of gossip on set. Some costars find his relentless process admirable, others roll their googly eyes when he refuses to break character and wears his Super Grover cape around all day.

Gentle giant Big Bird groused, “Grover is… intense. Sometimes, too intense.”

Pathological hoarder Oscar the Grouch shared, “Grover always had this existential itch, questioning the very fabric of his felted existence. It made for some interesting trash can conversations. Now scram!”

Pigeon fanatic and confirmed bachelor Bert added, “Grover spent an entire week engrossed in the study of prepositions for ‘Over, Under, Around, and Through.‘ It’s a level of commitment to something really tedious that I respect.”

Then there were those rumors of a rift between Grover and Count von Count, suggesting that their divergent approaches to performance caused tension backstage. Lines were drawn as Muppets aligned themselves with either the chaotic charm of Grover or the methodical precision of the Count. Both Grover and the Count deny this (“No! No! No! That’s three nos!”) although they acknowledge there were heated discussions. Grover explains, “That is about the work, man. It is not personal. It is like the Dadaist feud between Marcel Duchamp and Francis Picabia. Ultimately, it is the children who benefit.”

As we discussed his background, it is clear he grapples with profound questions about the role of some unseen hand in shaping his identity. Over plates of Wagyu beef carpaccio, Grover regales me with tales of his early aspirations as an actor. “I attended the School of Muppet Dramatic Arts, a place where the alphabet was recited in iambic pentameter. I sipped from the chalice of the greats there.“ For his senior performance, Grover presented an original piece entitled “BLUE GOD,” showcasing his groundbreaking jazz kazoo skills.

That early work paid off. Grover’s Monsterpiece Theater performances have been lauded for their depth and breadth. There’s something hauntingly beautiful about him tackle a Shakespearean monologue, unblinking and unconcerned with emotional regulation.

Yet, as the shadows of middle age crept up, a yearning restlessness tugged. “I hit rock bottom in Season 19. I was unable to connect with the show or the characters. Maria and Luis got married. Elmo’s World took off. And where was I? Where was I going?” Grover struggled with a well-publicized problem with huffing fabric glue but traveled the world, got clean, and eventually found renewed purpose in his Global Grover segments.

What’s next? While he has no plans to leave Sesame Street, Grover gazes toward new horizons in brooding glory. “I am open to exploring opportunities to do prestige shows at HBO.” Grover then revealed, “I auditioned for the role of Roman on Succession. The control issues, the exploration of exotic fetishes — it would have been a good fit. I know what it is like to feel you are someone’s puppet. Like you are a version of yourself waiting to happen, but your story has not been written yet.“ He paused, allowing the profoundness of his words to sink in. “The Monster at the End of the Book? It is me. It is all of us.”

A Meeting of the Mind

An Answer to the Question “How Is Writing the Novel Going?”

ME: Good morning, Every Part Of My Brain. Welcome to what I think we can all agree is a much-needed gathering of the committee. I appreciate you and every contribution you’ve made. Last month’s failures are this month’s stepping stones, right?

(THE CRITIC snorts)

ME: You know what, let’s skip the ice breakers; we’re all intimately familiar with each other’s quirks.

(Cheers erupt.)

ME: How about some treats!

(The group goes wild, followed by ten minutes of enthusiastic snacking.)

ME: Let’s get this rolling. I called this meeting of, uh, me…us…you BRAIN PARTS. I thought instead of you all coming at me higgledy-piggledy –

MONKEY BRAIN: Higgledy-piggledy! Higgledy-piggledy!

ME: — and in a disruptive way, we could all air our thoughts in an orderly fashion and I can get back to work on the new book. We’re nine days in and you’re all very…loud.

DREAMER: What if our protagonist could see emotions as colors swirling around people? It could add a whole layer of depth and magic!

ME: Huh. Interesting, but that doesn’t really align with the the plot, genre, or characters we’re writing. But otherwise, very creative!

CRITIC: Magic colors? Are we writing a book or doing a kiddie craft project? We need substance, people! Proper substance!

ARCHIVIST: Speaking of proper, let’s ensure our details are accurate. We don’t want another incident like the Doctor Who situation.

(The group gasps.)

ME: All right, that’s a little unnecessary. We all remember the what happened when I had a piece published and it said “Dr. Who” instead of “Doctor Who.”

SELF-DOUBTER: Oh, no. Now I’m compelled to list every public failure we’ve ever had. Shall I go in alphabetical order, chronological, or in level of humiliation?

HYPE MAN: Whoa there, buddy! Let’s not dive into the doom pool today. (Ornately gestures for the meeting continue)

MARKETER: I just saw a great Insta about a dog diving into a pool. Adorable. Talk about a launch! Speaking of which, we need to start thinking about that, and about all the marketing. Platforming. Audience building. Make sure everything you post online and also everything you say in every conversation is geared towards sales, acquiring an agent, getting a book deal, and of course, your legacy. That includes the book’s first line. Maybe we should put the first line online and see what people think?

SELF-DOUBTER: Yeah, no. I don’t need data confirming if people hate my first line.

ME: We’re only on the first dra –

HYPE MAN: Dude, fear not! Every great book had its doubters. We’re going to rock this so hard, they’ll feel it on Mars. (Performs enthusiastic air guitar solo.)

DREAMER: Let’s write a story where children’s shadows whisper their secrets.

ARCHIVIST: That may have been done already. I’ll check. But, you should know that shadows were often seen as spiritual, a bridge to the unseen world.

HYPE MAN: That’s what I’m talking about! We’re gonna bridge worlds, baby!

ME: Love the energy, buddy, but maybe turn it down a notch.

HYPE MAN: You got it, Chief! Dialing it back to a solid eleven. (Jumps on table) We’re gonna grab this book by the horns and ride it to glory town! Who’s with me?

CRITIC: I’d settle for making it out of the driveway without backing over the mailbox.

SELF-DOUBTER: Are we really going for the haunted hipster vibe now? Is that our brand?

MARKETING: I’m glad someone is thinking about branding. Speaking of which, we should write a series of blog posts. Build some buzz.

WORRIER: Let’s not get carried away. We have a reputation to not utterly destroy.

CRITIC: She’s not wrong. For once.

MONKEY BRAIN: Palm Frond. Frond. What kind of word is that?

CRITIC: Look, I have to say, this talking to yourself thing is not as charming as you think.

DREAMER: I find myself quite charming thank you.

CRITIC: And shadows that talk? Let’s focus on something adults might actually read.

MARKETER: Excellent point. We need to think about our target audience. Who are we writing this for, and what will grab their attention?

ME: Thank you, everyone, great input.

DREAMER: What if laws were divined from armpit stains on white shirts? Could we write that?

ME: Let’s hold that thought — actually, let’s not.

CRITIC: Your writing is as appealing as a pit stain. And as common.

ARCHIVIST: I’d like to revisit some unresolved topics from the last brainstorm. For instance, the Victorian ghost we abandoned last month?

ME: I considered writing a ghost story for, like, a second.

MARKETER: With significant tweaking and rewriting everything you’ve done for six months, we could hit a niche market that’s currently underserved.

HYPE MAN: Boom! Who’s ready to rock those ghosts back to life? Legendary!

SELF-DOUBTER: More like legendarily bad. I mean ghosts? We’re digging that up out of deep storage.

MARKETER: Speaking of digging, we should consider digging into new markets. How about a vlog series?

ME: I have to write the book first.

WORRIER: But what if no one likes it? What if we’re just shouting into the void? What if — 

MONKEY BRAIN: 🎶Tea with jam and bread. Tea with jam and bread.🎶

ME: Worrier, maybe you and Self-Critic can go into a breakout session and work together?

WORRIER: Oh, GOD are you kicking me out of the group?

DREAMER: Imagine a character so vivid that readers think they can reach out and touch them. Oooh, maybe they can literally step out of the book?

CRITIC: Wow. That’s awful.

ARCHIVIST: You mentioned in your notes here that a famous burger chain uses 80/20 beef. You need to quadruple-check that.

ME: I’m really only powering through the first draft now. That’s more of a later draft kind of –

ARCHIVIST: Fact-checking is not optional.

MARKETER: Add a viral element to the story. And do a reel, especially since you stopped the daily updates on (pointedly) DAY FOUR of writing. But, like, get a haircut first.

ME: Let’s focus. I called this meeting to streamline our thoughts, not scatter them further.

SELF-DOUBTER: Can I just say something, please? What if this whole idea is too ambitious? Or too dumb? Or we’re too dumb? Have we forgotten how mean people are? Or, worse, how pitying they can be? What if we fail?

HYPE MAN: What if we don’t? Like, what if we blow everyone’s minds?

MARKETER: We need to maybe find some people to share this with… talk through the ideas, maybe give them the first chapter or two.

EVERYONE: NO!

DREAMER: Not yet, friend. Not yet.

CRITIC: As long as we’re talking failures, do you need to update that list of writing rejections?

(Everyone grows quiet )

HYPE MAN: Come on. COME ON. Remember who we are. All that? Just the pre-show. This time we’re headlining the main stage. Let’s make this draft so hot, it’ll burn holes in their eyeballs! Goo everywhere!

ME: Well. There you go. This book isn’t going to write itself. Let’s get back to work.

MONKEY BRAIN: BEES.