It is with the utmost enthusiasm that I express my interest in the position of Supreme Court Justice. I believe I bring the most important qualification to the job: I am a mother.
If selected for this position, I will judge like a mother. America will learn some tough lessons along the way, but I promise at the end of it all, you will emerge stronger, more independent, and probably with moderate-to-severe IBS. But I’ll be there to pick you up in my minivan, host your birthday party, and take away your health insurance.
Do you see my kids? I have kids, you know. Three of them. The fact that I am a parent offers you profound insight into my potential rulings, if you don’t count any of my past verdicts. If it helps you understand the Constitution a little better, I’ll have another kid. Right now. Right here. That’s how much I love this country.
Seriously, though, do you see my kids? They were supposed to stay put and look adorable, but I sent them to get their wiggles out by telling them that Senator Crapo has a ball pit in his office. This should tell you everything you need to know about how I would rule on Jones v. Mississippi.
I’m not just a mom, I’m an Originalist Mom. Indeed we run our household like it’s 1787: 18 hours a day of chores, struggling with the realities of remote learning (so hard!), and gingerly sidestepping piles of horseshit. As a class mom, I only serve homemade cupcakes made with the finest hog lard.
Look, I’m not here to be your friend. I’m here to be your mom. I don’t want to blaze trails like the women who got me here. What am I, some sort of Ruth Bader Ginsberg? I mean, sure, I’d love to have three-initial credibility, but let’s be real, RBG was known first, foremost, and only as a mother who brought her mothering perspective to her role as MotherJustice. That’s what I’m here to honor.
As a mother (you know I’m a mother, right?) here’s what I bring to the table: twelve years of calendars, both digital and paper, because organization is key to a happy home. I also bring five years of a text chain with my bffs, 95% of which are “ugh, I can’t make it to this week’s Moms’ Night.” 5% are gifs of Chris Hemsworth. Sure, these texts reference my previously stated positions on women’s rights, health care, gay marriage, labor unions, affirmative action, and gun safety laws. But those have no place in this conversation. Happy to share the Thor gifs, though.
Feel confident in the fact that I don’t sign things when I’m distracted and walking out of church. The only things I’ve ever signed were the D.A.R.E pledge statement in middle school and a Prizeo petition last year. I’m not sure what the Prizeo petition was for; I was just trying to score tickets to see Hamilton with Lin-Manuel Miranda’s dad.
I’m sure you’re probably asking yourself, “Hey, lady with the pretty hair, you’ve got the ‘mom thing’ down and you’ve proven you can do it all, but what about the law?” To which I respond with a raised eyebrow, “Excuse me, you need to let Senator Kennedy finish asking his questions about whether I hate puppies.”
Then, if I’m ready, I’ll talk about the law, which, you should know, has been my career for two decades.
For example: in my interpretation of the law it is “shockingly unlikely” that anyone would try to make using contraceptives a crime. In fact, I said that very thing to my darling children the last time we went to Hobby Lobby for craft supplies.
I can also tell you that we toss the term “Super Precedent” around the dinner table when my kids ask why we’re having fish sticks again.
But let me tell you what we’re not going to do– we’re not going to talk about controversial things like “science,” or “whether children should be separated from their parents at the border.” Part of being a MotherJustice is letting you figure some things out on your own. This is how you learn.
However, yes, I’ve heard talk about the 2020 election coming to the SCOTUS. You see, sometimes no matter what millions of Americans say, you gotta let nine grownups in robes make the decision about things like “who is the president.” It’s one of those “Because I said so” situations. I can’t say how I’d rule, but I will tell you that if you all keep whining about it, I will turn this country around.
And, to address the elephant in the room, I say to any woman concerned about Roe v Wade: have you considered becoming a university professor with flexible working conditions? Hitting the jackpot by marrying a successful lawyer? Being white and upper middle class with access to good prenatal care, childcare, and good schools and community resources? If you think that’s wrong, you’re obviously trying to push me to violate the judicial canon of ethics, and I won’t do that, especially because my kids are right here…or somewhere in the building practicing their piles-of-horseshit sidestepping.
I look forward to talking with you further. I have procured a blank pad of paper to jot some notes about this book idea I have: “What to Expect when You’re Expecting to Breeze Through a Supreme Court Confirmation” which I’ll write during all this free time I have between loads of laundry and attending superspreader events.
I’m also proficient in Microsoft Office, and conversational Latin. References furnished upon request.
Oh, I am looking for a soccer coach for my daughter’s team…does anyone know if Justice Kavanaugh is still doing that?